Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I had to cum in my sink.
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