and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
