checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
Randomize
