he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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