Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
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