is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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