I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
