you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Randomize
