my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Randomize
