Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
