Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
