got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
My bed smells like the plague
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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