Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
