I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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