Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
