Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
Randomize
