I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
