She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
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