Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Randomize
