when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
Randomize
