i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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