i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Randomize
