I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Randomize
