i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
