babies were throwing up all over the place
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Randomize
