Once you see the odd facial expressions and noises a guy makes while he is furiously beating off on top of you, it kind of puts things into perspective.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
Randomize
