I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
