I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
