if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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