If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
