One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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