a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
