No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
Randomize
