We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
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