hell yes lets make some ravioli
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
He passed out mid-signature
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Randomize
