She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
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