when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
false alarm, still single
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
