O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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