tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Randomize
