i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
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