Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
