Plan B is the new Plan A
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
