my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Randomize
