i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Randomize
