I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
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