found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
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