Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
chicago's viagra triangle is not unlike the bermuda triangle in thatt things just get lost...... planes, ships, dignity, virginity, etc.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
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