I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
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