READY
for what?
TO HAVE SEXXXX
i think you have the wrong number
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Randomize
