I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
Who did Billy Mays play for?
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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