Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Randomize
